It’s no secret that you’re keeping a secret right now. In fact, if you’re like most people, you can probably count about a dozen pieces of personal information that you’ve never shared with anyone and probably never will. I never really understood the need for keeping secrets. It always seemed untrustworthy to hold on to secrets. Even though there is someone out there who is keeping a secret intentionally and withholding personal information from others, keeping secrets can often be harmful in the long run, both physically and emotionally. You might think that it’s okay to hold onto your secrets, but what if I told you that it could harm you and your relationships with people?

Secrets are a complex part of human psychology. We hide truths for various reasons, often in an attempt to protect ourselves or others. As kids, holding onto a secret really meant something. Secrets among friends were a form of bonding, and keeping someone’s secret was a sign of loyalty. Who told you their secret, and to whom you told your secret, reflected a hierarchy of trust. Best friends were lost or found through their ability to be a container for what you did not want others to know. Such is the power of secrets: to be shunned by the secret-telling circle is to feel excluded, less worthy, left out. Humans are social pack animals that thrive in small cooperative, interdependent groups. Our connection to others is crucial for our well-being, mental and physical. 

Secrets intrigue us. The average person holds about thirteen secrets. They are a source of mystery, even excitement, and make up the structure of thrillers and true-crime stories, fantasy literature, fairy tales, or fiction of the best-selling, page-turner variety. Plot-driven novels succeed on the premise that readers are enthralled by chasing down a secret. Spies keep secrets, governments and nations keep secrets, presidents, prime ministers, monarchs, and dictators keep secrets of state, as well as secrets that may be crimes against those they govern. Conspiracy theories thrive on secrets. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines “conspiracy theory” as “a theory that explains an event or set of circumstances as a result of a secret plot usually by powerful conspirators.” Though conspiracy theories often lack evidence, these add fuel to the belief that there is a secret, well-hidden, nefarious scheme. 

People’s minds wander to their secrets far more often than they actively try to conceal their secrets from others. The frequency of concealment didn’t seem to have much effect on well-being, but the more people’s minds wandered to their secrets, the worse off they were. It’s not how much you hide a harmful secret, but how often you find yourself thinking about it. In many circumstances, the weight of keeping a secret is burdensome, a difficult choice. We feel the risk of being judged, condemned, punished, ostracized, humiliated, and ridiculed if we believe our secret is unacceptable to others, but by keeping ourselves hidden, we risk loneliness and isolation. In our personal lives, we may keep a terminal diagnosis secret from a loved one to mitigate their worry and fear. We may keep the news of a pending divorce from our young children to spare them the prolonged pain of a family rupture. Shame and guilt can visit us when we are confused about how and when to keep a secret. Ethicists, lawyers, religious leaders, and counselors of all stripes deal daily with the inner conflicts of those who need to make moral decisions on breaking the silence of a secret.

When it comes to revealing secrets, researchers make an important distinction. Revealing a secret to a person that the secret is kept from is termed confession, whereas revealing a secret to a third party is termed confiding. Little research exists on confession. Confiding, by contrast, has received more attention, and confiding secrets in others typically goes better than expected. By age six, children understand that sharing a secret with another is a signal of relationship closeness, and let yourself dwell for a moment on the secrets you have kept, the secrets you wish to share, and if your secrets have helped to change your life for the better.  For most of us, it’s about our egos. We want to protect our view of ourselves. We perceive ourselves as being kind, moral, generous, or honest, for example, and when we have thoughts or do things that conflict with this image, we’re likely to keep them a secret.

Our thought patterns go something like this: “I think I’m this person, and this person acts in a certain way, so then I’m going to now create congruence, a guided relationship between who I think I am in relation to the morals of that person.” Even if I’m not that person, that doesn’t matter; I’m actually playing a role. The primary motivation is typically to avoid feeling shame and judgment. In this sense, it is usually to protect ourselves.  

Even if you’re not lying outright, keeping secrets can hurt your life and relationships. Many will see not revealing significant truths as deception. There are many natural consequences in a person’s life when they regularly behave secretively. The biggest consequence is that relationships are compromised. So, while it’s okay to keep truly private business your own, you should consider the risks and potential fallout from violating someone’s trust. 

It’s not just your relationships that might suffer when you hide information—you could, too. You’re going to ruin your relationship with yourself. You’re going to go through a lot of guilt, you’re going to go through a lot of shame. 

• Understanding the pitfalls of secret-keeping, you may want to learn to be more transparent, especially with your partner. Our experts have the following tips:
• Have a conversation with a person you’re worried will judge you—they may be more accepting than you think.
• Think about how your secret could affect the person you’re keeping it from—how would you feel if you were in their shoes? What would you want them to do?
• Weigh the risks of someone finding out your secret—is a little short-term relief worth the potential fallout?

Start with baby steps, such as writing down five to ten ways you’d like to be recognized as a person who tells the truth. From there, identify an instance when you’d normally lie, and replace that with an honest response. Tackle these instances one at a time and slowly work on building resilience.

While many of us keep secrets and can protect our sense of self, being too secretive can create problems in our lives and relationships. The trick, as always, is to strike a healthy balance. It is important to understand that holding secrets can be a good boundary to hold, which is what is meant to be. The question ends up being, how toxic is it for you to hold that secret in? Who is the safest person to reveal that secret to? Figure that out, and you should feel okay about your decision—whether you choose to disclose or not your secret.