The desire for friendship is woven into what we need for a healthy support system to help us to feel not so alone in the world. A true friend is someone who is on your side, no matter what. A true friend watches out for you and will never betray you or make you feel bad. Although most of us know how to be good friends to others. Friends are trustworthy and loyal, give encouragement and empathy, and lend a helping hand when things get rough, laugh, have fun, and celebrate life’s joys and accomplishments together. Then, if we know how to do this for our friends, why is it so hard to do the same for ourselves?

Being a friend to yourself is no different than being a friend to others, and yet it feels so much harder. Almost daily, I hear from people who want to be kinder to themselves; they want to learn how to give themselves the unconditional love, support, and acceptance that they give to their friends and family.

As wonderful as that sounds, we continue to run into the unpleasant reality that friends are people. All of us people can be unreliable, self-focused, and sometimes oblivious to the needs of others. But there is a fascinating charmer you can cultivate a great relationship with, and that lifelong friend is the good buddy you find in the mirror every day, known as the one you call “Me.”

When you learn to count on and appreciate yourself, your dearest friend is always nearby and ready to help. Even so, you still might want to connect with others because that can be fun and beneficial for you, but here’s a thought. Imagine being your own best friend. When you are your own best friend, it can help you navigate difficulties with friends who aren’t you. For instance, say that a good friend of yours moves away. At first, you may become angry because you didn’t want her to move. Then you realize that you can’t control what other people do. You may notice that you are feeling upset and that you need to be very kind to the part of yourself that was hurting. That’s when your inner best friend comforts you when you are feeling abandoned, and that helps you to appreciate that the friend who moved away was doing what she needed to do, and that you still had your dearest friend, yourself.

Expecting others to meet all our needs can leave us disappointed, frustrated, or feeling rejected. But if we learn to pay attention to our thoughts, feelings, and body sensations, we’ll be able to trust ourselves, give ourselves compassion and comfort, and rely on ourselves when life is tough.

1. Accept yourself unconditionally. A good friend accepts you for who you are, notices your best qualities, and doesn’t compare you to others. If you notice that you’re being self-critical, try to notice what you’re struggling with and offer yourself compassion instead of criticism. Here’s an example:

Self-criticism: I can’t believe I lost my keys again! I’m so stupid!

Self-acceptance: I’m frustrated that I lost my keys. Being busy and overwhelmed is taking a toll on me.

2. Get to know yourself. How well do you really know yourself? In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it’s easy to lose track of what matters to you and what you like to do. Self-understanding and awareness are important parts of being a good friend to yourself. Try spending a few minutes regularly writing down your interests, likes and dislikes, goals, and values, or try answering these questions.

– How well do you know yourself?
– Do you have a strong sense of identity?
– Do you know who you are, what you believe in, what matters to you, what you feel, what you want?
– Getting to know yourself is a bit like an experiment; try some new things and see what feels right.
– What are my short-term goals? Long-term goals?
– Who matters most to me? Who are my support people?
– What do I like to do for fun?
– What new activities am I interested in or willing to try?
– What am I worried about?
– Am I a night owl or an early bird? How can I arrange my life to better suit this part of my nature?

Rediscovering yourself is a process. You don’t need to rush through all these questions today! I suggest answering only one or two per day so you can explore them in-depth. But work at your own pace–perhaps one per week is more realistic for you. There is no judgment, and this isn’t a race. You may also want to revisit these questions in a month or two. You are continuing to evolve and grow, so some of your answers will change, as well.

Once you’ve answered these questions, you can start to think of ways to put your self-knowledge into action.

3. Do nice things for yourself. Friends help each other out when they’re struggling, and they do nice things to brighten their day or ease their load. You can do this for yourself by saying something encouraging or complimenting yourself, spending time doing something you enjoy, cooking your favorite meal, taking time to relax, or giving yourself a small gift.

4. Set boundaries. Boundaries are also a form of self-care. Without boundaries, we run the risk of overextending ourselves, getting burnt out, feeling resentful, and letting people treat us poorly. A good friend will help you protect your boundaries and encourage you to stand up for yourself, speak your truth, and ask for respect. You can do this for yourself when you practice setting healthy boundaries.

Building a friendship with yourself is a process just like building any other friendship. It requires an investment of time and energy and a commitment to be open and honest. Being a better friend to yourself starts with small steps to get to know, listen to, care for, and be with yourself. Loving and trusting yourself will develop over time. Keep showing up for yourself, and your friendship will bloom. It’s a practice for cultivating self-friendliness, but also for who you are.

Developmentally, we wrestle with “finding ourselves” as teens and young adults. Then, we often revisit these questions in middle age. It’s both normal and essential to seek self-understanding. In order to accept ourselves and establish a sense of belonging, we need to understand who we are. A strong sense of self helps us navigate life and brings meaning to our experiences. Without it, we feel “lost.” Why do we experience a loss of identity?

We put everyone else’s needs before our own. When we focus on others and neglect ourselves, we fail to recognize and value ourselves and our needs. We minimize who we are and what we need.

We’re disconnected from our thoughts and feelings. We commonly keep ourselves so distracted and numb with alcohol, food, and electronics that we miss important information about who we are. How often do you reach for your phone or a snack whenever you get even slightly uncomfortable? These things keep us from knowing ourselves because we don’t allow ourselves to be curious and ask ourselves how we’re really feeling.

We experience life transitions and changes in our roles. Experiences like divorce, retirement, job loss, death of a loved one, or other traumatic events can also result in losing our sense of self, especially the parts associated with our roles.
We feel ashamed and unworthy and consequently bury parts of ourselves. We were told that we’re bad, strange, ugly, stupid, or unworthy. We were criticized or teased. Maybe you loved to play chess as a kid, but we were told that it’s not cool to join the chess club. So, you quit. Or perhaps you were shamed for your sexual orientation and tried to deny it. We’re told we have to fit a certain mold if we’re to fit in. So, we squish our square peg selves into round holes and try to be something we’re not. After years of doing this, we lose track of who we really are.

With the opportunity to turn to yourself for deep, life-long companionship, you can always find someone on the inside who is up for an adventure or in for a quiet night. You can be your own best friend forever. You can make the world a better, brighter place by loving yourself. This is why you should be your own best friend.

The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the relationship with yourself. Other people will come and go from your life, but you can always be there for yourself. There will be times when your friends are unavailable, perhaps you’ve moved to a new city and have yet to create a new support system, or when you’ve had a falling out or grown apart from your friends. That is what is meant to be. Therefore, it’s important to be able to count on yourself and meet your own emotional needs. Even your best friend since kindergarten, who knows you better than anyone, can’t meet all of your needs. It’s simply impossible for someone else to always be available and tuned into your needs, even if you’re great at communicating them.