If you are unhappy with your relationship, it can be difficult to admit it, even to yourself. Whether it’s constant fights, a growing distance between the two of you, or just a bad feeling inside that something’s wrong, unhappiness can take different forms. These are just
some of the reasons that could cause unhappiness in our relationships, such as:
Holding on to the past.

People tend to find themselves in unhappy relationships when they are reminiscing about the golden days or times in their relationship when things were easier and they weren’t so stressed. People hold on to these memories instead of channeling their energy into being present and fixing current conflicts.

The second is trying to change each other. Another significant factor leading to unhappy relationships comes from those who set out to change one another. The other person will begin to feel as if they must justify their every decision and respond to the other person.

Having different beliefs and values is another reason. Those who do not share core values and beliefs might have been able to navigate the early stages of their relationship but will experience more tension as they learn more about each other and how they operate in the world.
Also, that feeling that you are being held back.

Those who might find themselves feeling held back in their relationships. They may feel as if they have to choose to stay in the relationship or continue to grow and achieve their goals. No matter what the reason is, being unhappy in a relationship can affect you and your relationships even further. It can also cause emotional harm and hurt.

When you form emotional attachments to others, you both may be more vulnerable to emotional harm. Harm can be intentional or unintentional and may not always be severe. However, regardless of the reason you’ve hurt someone’s feelings, there may be steps you can take to repair your relationship.

As human beings, we are relational beings. We need to feel valued, connected, and that we belong. When any of these deepest desires is violated, we get hurt, whether in reality or imagined. When we are hurting, we short-circuit the very connection we need, the ability to feel valued and loved, and a sense of belonging. This can keep us stuck in a loop of hurt and disconnection ⁠— the very thing that we don’t want. We are not wired for, and that is detrimental to our well-being.

I like to use a process called The 3 A’s for dealing with hurt in a relationship:

1. Acknowledge
2. Acceptance
3. Action

Acknowledge the negative feelings.
The act of acknowledging that you are feeling hurt is the first step to processing the hurt. This means authentically observing and noting exactly how you are feeling.

Please know that this has nothing to do with judging or apportioning blame to anyone or even ourselves. It’s just really observing or feeling our feelings. It’s a process of noting and recording exactly how you feel your thoughts and emotions.

For example, you can say:
– I feel angry
– I feel beaten
– I feel lonely
– I feel scared
– I feel hopeless
– I feel helpless.

The focus is identifying one’s own feelings, a sort of self-diagnosis. This is successful when we are willing to be authentic with ourselves.

Accept your hurt feelings just as they are
Accepting what is, and is another powerful mental skill. Once you have identified your hurt feelings, accept them just as they are.

One of the truths in life is that nothing is permanent. Everything is constantly changing. We can easily move to the next step when we accept what is. Accepting does not mean you agree with the people or circumstances you were hurt. It means embracing what has happened through a positive mindset that “this too shall pass.”

What we accept we allow to flow past us, allowing life to flow through us, and we can easily let go. Acceptance is a choice that requires willingness. Most people find it hard to accept because they confuse acceptance with weakness, conformity, or agreement that the circumstances because they were hurt, and it’s justified; this is not the case.

Make decisions about what needs to be done to move forward. Many people, including good and well-meaning people, neglect the very important step in dealing with hurt in a relationship,  which is action. Most people stop at either the acknowledgment stage or acceptance. However, for conscious change to happen, we must take action. Action entails making decisions about what needs to be done to move forward without regret, remorse, and resentment about the hurt experienced positively. It also entails agreeing on how to move forward either together or apart.

When we ignore action and let life go on while harboring these terrible triplets (regret, remorse, resentment), they will trip us, and we are bound to go down the same road that put us in the position of being hurt in the first place.

Action includes:
Are we examining the boundaries we have or do not have that have allowed the hurt to happen? Is this hurt coming from our own insecurities, or did it genuinely result from someone breaking my boundaries?

Lasting changes almost often happen when we work on ourselves first because we are the only person that we can control. You can have a conversation with the person in this relationship.

After this self-examination, examine the relationship and the situation where hurt occurred. Then, have a conversation with the person in this relationship and communicate how you feel aggrieved.
How they crossed your boundaries and therefore injured us and what needs to happen next. Listen to their side of the story. Sometimes, there are genuine reasons based on ignorance on their side.

When we have conflicts in our relationships, it hurts us. Hurt is only growth trying to happen. When we feel hurt or angry, we must recommit to our journey of self-love and healing.

In this, we recommit to our partner by saying, “I will stick with this uncomfortable feeling and work it out with you.” We don’t want to shove that hurt feeling down inside and let resentment build. Sharing that hurt with them in a constructive way.

The next step is sharing that hurt with our partners in a constructive way. I teach my clients to use Imago Dialogue to share their feelings of pain and disappointment.

Imago Dialogue enables each person to have a turn in talking while the other person listens, repeats, validates, and acknowledges it. This is a powerful tool in getting to the root cause of your hurt or pain.

Effective communication is crucial to a healthy relationship. Having good communication skills may not solve or resolve every problem or issue, but no problem or issue will be resolved with them!

Some days, we may communicate better than others, but we can never choose not to communicate or shut down in our relationships. Let’s go over these steps of conscious communication to help take away the hurt and angry feelings.

The first step is mirroring. ⁠Mirroring is the process of completely listening to your partner and accurately reflecting the entire “content” of their message. Most times, repeating the exact words that the other person is saying is most effective.

Some specific phrases for mirroring include:

– Let me see if I got you.
– I heard you say.
– Did I get that.

After repeating back your partner’s feelings, you always ask, “Is there anything else?” This enables your the other person to continue to share on a deeper level. They will often get to the bottom of their hurt and angry feelings by digging deep here.

The second step is validation⁠.
Validation is communicating to your partner that the information you are receiving and mirroring “makes sense.”
It’s important that you always remember these feelings are not your own. They are the other person’s hurt and angry feelings, and you need to agree and validate them no matter how crazy they may seem.

This is crucial. Don’t let your ego get in the way here. It isn’t about winning an argument. It is about uncovering your partner’s childhood wounds.

Some typical validation statements can include:

“You make sense to me…”.
“I can understand that you feel this way given that….”
“I can see how you would see it that way because sometimes I do….”

The final step is empathy⁠. Empathy is recognizing the feelings your partner is sharing. It is the process of reflecting, imagining, and participating in how your partner is feeling. Empathy allows both partners to overcome their own individual feelings, even for just a moment, and experience a genuine meeting of the minds. This experience has tremendous healing power.

Some typical phrases for empathic communication include:

“I can imagine that when that happens, you may feel…”
“I can see that you are feeling…” (at the deepest level)
“I am experiencing your (feelings)….”

A relationship is like a spiral repeating the stages of love and the experience of repair and connection through conscious communication.

When you enter your relationships through a doorway of healing, hit the hurts and power struggles, repair and work on your connection again, that is what is meant to be within relationships. This is when the hurt and pain become less with each time you complete the conscious communication process through the proper safe dialogue. This is because you can truly understand what is going on and are willing to take that journey to help yourself and your relationships heal.