There are tried and true signs of whether a friend wants to be in your life or not. A friend who understands your tears is much more valuable than a lot of friends who only know your smile. This quote has no known author, but it speaks to the heart. Over the years, I have put myself out there for all of my friends. Unfortunately, there is one friend who hasn’t made any effort. Through the ups and downs, I’ve made myself available to listen to her tears, agree with her when wronged, and even helped her learn the truth of some of her relationships, but she just isn’t there for me. It’s difficult and even heart-wrenching to evaluate some of my friendships, and as I get older, I’m less tolerant of anything less than having people who will present. Not just some number that amounts to an added social media friend, but real friendships with people like the ones you see on television and in movies.

You think that they are your friend, maybe even your best friend, but in reality, they’re just looking for the next best thing. We all have them, and it may take a few times or more to figure them out, but soon you will find that your true friends are the ones texting you in the early morning hours, double-fisting ice cream and a roll of cookie dough after you just had an argument with someone in your life, but when you find yourself all alone, you have to come to terms with whose there for you and just who is not. It’s one of those heartbreaking moments when you realize that your friend no longer wants to be your friend.

It’s not that you’ve drifted apart or a big fight over something that wasn’t even worth fighting about, it’s rather personal on their part. They want nothing to do with us anymore. The person that used to be your go-to when you wanted to go on an adventure or talk about anything under the sun is now giving you a signal that they want nothing to do with us. You start to wonder what happened that they’re no longer interested in being friends, and truth be told, you may never find out. They will probably make up some excuse such as they’re busy or have a lot to do, but when you realize that you’re being pushed aside to hang out with the “cooler people,” makes it difficult to believe a lie.

We can all take a hint when someone isn’t interested, but when you’re the only one making an effort, this is by far one of the most important behaviors when determining if someone wants to be your friend or not. Look at how much effort you’re putting into it, compared to the other person. Do you send holiday cards or birthday wishes with nothing in return? If not, then there’s a sure sign that it’s a one-sided relationship, and a one-sided relationship is unhealthy. This is when you have to take a step back. Clearly, you’re being shown that no matter what you do, you will be no more than a memory.

Other signs such as they have time for others but not you are just as painful as putting in the effort, and getting nothing in return. With social media just about everywhere, it makes it nearly impossible to not be able to contact each other. It also makes it so that we can see when our friends are lying to us, and excuses no longer mean much anymore. Social media has made it so that there isn’t anything hidden, so when friends are constantly telling you that they are busy, it’s the realization that they don’t want to be bothered and is a gentle reminder of how when conversations are kept short and they only contact you when they need something, that even well into adulthood, behavior speaks volumes of who thinks we matter in their lives.

No one deserves to feel less than second best. Friendships are important and it’s what help us not feel alone. Every friendship will give you a signal, but if you’re not getting the friendship that you deserve, it doesn’t define who you are as a person. It just means that there is someone better out there for you, it’s what’s meant to be. Having one or two good friends seems much better than having ten who give you excuses. The saying is true, The people who want to be in your life show up. Not because they will get something in return, but because they are truly on your side. True friends aren’t about who came first and who you’ve known the longest… it’s about who came and never left.